Saturday 2018-01-20

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BEING A SINGLE MOM

By Lungile Lulane | 2018-01-14

Ndo Mdlalose

Ndoniyamanzi Mdlalose is a renowned clinical psychologist and mother who is doing it all, being a career woman and a mother.

as soon the topic the topic was mentioned to her, she described it as a  life touching and difficult subject.”

Ndo is  blessed with three amazing children, Uyandza (Boy), Wandzile (Boy), and Tiyandza (girl).  And  is a single mother. She says as weird as it sounds; being a single parent is the best thing that could ever happened to her. “What makes this whole journey even sweeter is that God has a special way of being my co-parent,” she says. Ndo says she was raised by a remarkable single career woman and  finds herself blessed to have  her as a great source of reference; as well as her friends including. Member of Parliament Thuli Dladla; and some of the powerful mamas in the country..

Hardships of Single parenting

Ndo says, single or not; she thinks parenting is the hardest job. “I am blessed with loving and understanding children, I am a career driven woman with a remarkable passion for my kind of work; which means I sometimes do not see my children when I get back home from work in some of the evenings. However; there is always a way for us to catch up,” she explained.

Financially, she says children are very expensive and she has just realised that whether you are a clinical psychologist or a cleaner, parenting is very expensive.

Judgement

At times parents judge other parents because it helps them feel better about their own parenting. As a single mother, Ndo says, she has never felt judged, simply because she does not see anything wrong about being a single parent. “I am fortunate enough to have a civil relationship with my boy’s father; so there is nothing odd there. If people are judging….”wuuuuuuuuuuhh!!! shem” so said Somizi,” she said, imitating the entertainer.

Love

Speaking on how the dating department is for her as most single mothers find it difficult to date. Ndo was quick to agree and say that it is also a night mare for her. “As much as I am a happily divorced single mum, I do need “that friend”, she went on to say, “however, personally, I feel I cannot do that in front of my children, one failed marriage was enough emotional torture for them”.  She says, being a mummy psychologist, she would rather put her children’s sanity first and her romantic needs second. Reaction from people to a single mother

Ndo is an obvious single mother as she is always with her children when she is not working.  She says they go on holidays together without a man so who so ever might be curious about that part of her life, figures it out and sees the joy and connection they have amongst each other.

Parenthood

Speaking to her on parenthood. Ndo says parenthood is a phase in life and it changes a lot of people. She says if it did change her, it definitely was for the better. “I am one of those ladies whom doctors had certified me to be infertile, so having a first, second and third baby, assured me that I serve an extraordinary God,” she elaborated. She believes Parenting, just added more kilogrammes, love, peace, tolerance, listening to giraffes’ stories by force, a spirit of gratitude, patience and many wet kisses from her babies.

She says her three children are her best friends “together we have play dates, family meetings, and slumber parties in mummy’s room where we just talk and oh boy, haven’t I been quizzed,” she says.

She explains how sometimes she just needs to take a deep breath before answering because one principle she has is to never lie to her children but to tell them the truth in a level that she thinks that they can understand at their age, no matter how much the truth hurts.

Challenges

Ndo prefers being a single mother but sometimes she just wishes  for alone time, “As much as I prefer being a single parent; there are times when I feel I wish I could ship my nanas somewhere for a few hours, she says.  She says one other challenge is balancing work and parenting as sometimes they have extracurricular activities of which it would be nice for them to see their mummy cheering/ whilst I have a pressing project that I need to urgently take care of. I must admit; that I’ve disappointed my children a few times; but that’s where family support comes in.  Despite that people often compare single parents to married parent, Ndo says, “As a psychologist, I do not view a lady by being a single parent or not. Professionally, there are many types of single parenting. Some married women living with their spouses are single parents and I think that it’s even more emotionally draining. Also some fathers raise their children on their own, thus they too are single dads.

She went on to further say, it is so imperative never to label children. As a therapist, I’ve had the pleasure of realising that whichever parenting style one was born in; life has a greater force in influencing one’s future behaviour. I know that we products of single parents are quite stigmatised against but really; from the past 10 years of working with families; I’ve learnt that we are all unique; and whatever kind of family we come from; our thinking and behaviour comes from within.

Advice

 

The mother of three says, “I have had a chance of working with people who use the label of being brought up by single parents; or child headed families, using this as an excuse of not being able to self-sustain; and get gainful employment”.  She says, true enough, growing up without both parents poses a detrimental effect on your wellbeing. However, Swaziland is a classic example of broken families. There are blended families, where the parents are married; but have some children out of this marriage; some families are child headed due to death and some from neglect. “My advice for whosoever is in a confusing situation is to try and focus on a better destiny; without blaming the missing parent”. Despite  all the confusion that may be happening, remember God is there you just need to choose life; no matter how hard the current situation is; Pray for God’s guidance; He sure will show you the path.  Fight for life regardless of your parent’s neglect, rejection or absence, she says.

 

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